(scene 5) (the same as scene 1: a party, with subscenes)

(scene 5a)

(enter Guy and Randall)

(in the corner of the party is Horny, making out with the never-before-mentioned William)

Randall: Look, you're going to have fun tonight. You need to have fun tonight. I need you to have fun tonight.

Guy: OK, I'll try. (walks in, sees them) (freezes)

Randall: What? You haven't even stood in line for crappy beer yet--

Guy: No. That's, that's--

Randall: (looks over, but only sees William with a girl he's had less experience identifying) Cause of, that? I mean, yeah, we all think William's a tool. An automated electronic tool. A tool box. A goddamn Home Depot. But you can't let it get to your head just cause he's getting some and you're not. Whatever, a girl who would make out with him? At this kind of party? She's just some sort of slut. Whatever. Fuck that guy and that ho any--(they shift, and it's obviously her) Oh.

(sub-scene)

(scene 5b)

(Needs-to-be-Popular is talking to a few friends. Drunk is hanging on her)

Popular: I just don't know how she could be dating him-- (general agreement from friends)

Guy: (cutting in) Hey, hun, could we talk?

Popular: Yeah, sure. (they step away) (tagged-by drunk)

Guy: So... I haven't seen you much since-- I mean, I know it's only been three weeks, but, I guess it's just weird cause we used to see each other--

Drunk: So, yeah, I'm hooking up with someboedy now.

Guy: Yeah, I sorta got that when I saw you--

Drunk: OK, bye! I need another shot. Who wants to do a shot? (does one that's stationed at a table, runs off)

(sub-scene)

(scene 5c)

(guy is sitting on a couch, hanging with his head back, when Needy walks up)

Needy: Hi. How are you doing?

Guy: (seeing her, finishes his drink deliberately in response) All right. What's up?

Needy: (crashing on the couch) Oh (sigh) I guess I'll be all right, just... th-

Guy: What?

Needy: Well, I had a midterm today. --(tagged-by unexplained coldness)

Guy: What class?

Unexplained Coldness: Nevermind.

Guy: O...K. (pause) Well, I hope everything works out okay. (goes to pat her on the back in an attempt to be... conciliatory? Helpful?)

Unexplained Coldness: Don't-- don't touch.

Guy: Check. Well, I need to freshen-- I need a drink.

(sub-scene)

(scene 5d)

(Guy's standing, Girl walks over to him)

Girl: Hi.

Guy: Oh, hi.

Girl: Have you done anything at this part other than avoid and try to talk to me?

Guy: I've certainly--

Girl: Say it.

Guy: Say what? (she looks at him) OK, fine. How could you be hooking up with him? I'm so much cooler than he is. Ugh, are you trying to drive me crazy?

Girl: Sweetie, of course not.

Guy: Cause, well, I'm not proud of it, but the idea of you, and him. I'm so much cooler--

Girl: And if it were someone cooler than you you'd be just as crazy about it, except it would have blown your self-confidence and so instead of being at this party you'd be sucking your thumb in that one corner of your room. And if he were exactly as cool as you, you'd be freaked out more than you can imagine by the similarities. I know you, you'd sit down and list them.

Guy: OK. Are you two dating?

Girl: I hope not. If I wanted a boyfriend, we'd still be going out. So, are we better now? Can we get back to the prior business of partying?

Guy: Yeah, sure.

Girl: If you have something to say, say it. (tagged-by Popular, but they only get part way to changing the dress before she says the next line)

Guy: No, no.

Popular: OK, fine. (tagged-by Girl)

Guy: Wait, if we talk, can I talk to you?

Girl: Of course-- what do you mean? Who else would you talk to?

Guy: One of your other personalities. Do you not realize this? Yeah, there's you, and I love-d you. And then there are the others. (pulling them off the bench they sit on) There's the needy you, which I at least knew how to deal with. There's drunk you, who is endearing, but won't let you forget it, even when she does. There's the Unexplained Coldness, the time with you when we were sitting next to each other and even talking, but not connecting. There's the you that Needs-to-be-popular and the one with Worldly Ambitions. Those are interesting, because that's having to be accepted by people younger than you and older than you, respectively. And then, how can we forget everyone's favorite dwarf: Sleazy.

Girl: That's very convenient for you, isn't it? Breaking me into those parts. You think you've got me covered?

Guy: I spent a lot of time observing you. Especially when you wouldn't talk to me. Just sitting there, limply holding hands.

Girl: OK, well, how about this one? The Motherly side of me.

Guy: I-- I don't know that one.

Girl: That's right, you don't. She never got a chance to come out in our relationship. You were always so good at taking care of me, but you were pretty lousy at being taken care of.

Guy: Well, you're complex. I wasn't sure that you'd be there-- I wasn't sure if I could trust you.

Girl: (during this speech, she pulls out his personalities, which we hadn't even thought about. Aha!) It showed. And do you think you're so damn simple yourself? You would sometimes be amazing at bringing out the best in people in simple conversation. And then I'd come over, and you'd be too busy playing online chess to notice I wore the shirt of your favorite band.

Chess: But it's timed, and this one's rated!

Girl: You can go from giving your friends the best hugs in the world to suddenly being silent whenever anyone else enters the conversation. Where do you find inside yourself to hide? And why? What happens to the boy who always has to call me after he drops me off to make sure he was properly understood? And how is he possibly the same guy who can't resist the temptation of a bad joke? (to the Joker guy) Weather's here.

Joker: Wish you were beautiful.

(just to clarify, at this point, the stage is full of, like, 15 personalities)

Girl: And then there's the you that's not quite horny, but treats sex like you're a kid in a candy store, looking to get one of every type of grope and nuzzle. You're ridiculous!

Guy: Why did we break up?

Girl: Because you wanted to.

Guy: And then I changed my mind. Why did we stay broken up?

Girl: Because I was happy being single. Because I knew I couldn't marry you.

Guy: Y'know how it seems to me? It's like we bought a car together. And I had never had a car before. So I was disappointed when the car wouldn't go, like, 700 mph, and that you had to put some effort into it, change the oil, wipe the windshield. Cause I had only see cars in movies, and you never have to do that in movies. So I was like, "let's return the car." And you were like, "uh, okay." Then a week later, I come back to you and say "wait, I was wrong." And you were like, "I like walking."

Girl: Haha. That's an awesome way of putting it!

Guy: I don't know how you can see that and not agree with me that we should still be together.

Girl: Because I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry, I don't. No, I take that back, I'm not sorry. I'm not trying to feel that way. I don't. I still think you're great, but--

Guy: But you could. It's possible you could feel that way.

Girl: That's like saying it's possible to walk to the moon.

Guy: No, no. They're completely different. That's not possible, in the universe.

Girl: When you're talking about feelings, how I feel is how the universe works. How can you feel this way? You're the one who just told me how I was an awful and schizophrenic girlfriend. We were lucky to get five good minutes together in a row.

Guy: But those five minutes. Most people are lucky to get five minutes those good in their life. There's no one I'd rather have mutual, poorly-timed, reinforcing mood swings with. I don't know how you could give them up so easily.

Girl: Maybe I just got greedy and now I want something where I can have 10 minutes in a row. Or 15. Or maybe a whole day. Or more.

Guy: But until then, it's worth a month of unexplained coldness.

Girl: There's the thing, it may have been unexplained coldness, but it was never unexplainable.

Guy: So why didn't you? So why don't you? I'm listening.

Girl: Because sometimes you just can't talk about them. Ugh. Why must you gloss over all the problems and just focus on the positive.

Guy: Oh, I don't gloss over anything. It's just that you see the positive and the negative. I see the positive and what could be fixed.

Girl: Great. Then fix it with the next girl.

Guy: Why can't the next girl be the last girl? (she's bothered by that statement) Look, yeah, there was a lot of stuff that I disliked. And stuff about you that grated me. It did. Stuff that I knew was never going to change some I've told you about, some I didn't even bother. Cause I knew it would make no difference. Sometimes you really frustrated me.

Girl: Then stop wanting to go out with me. Find someone perfect for you. You're right, it was pretty great. And the way to honor that isn't be fawning. The best thing I can say for our relationship is this: it's worth being honest about.

(scene)