Round Three--The Adventures of Captain Lowbrow

I had fun getting the last word in last week's edition of "Pissing in the Wind," but now it's my turn to be left vulnerable, with a big matza ball hanging out of my mouth. Since I don't trust people to actually check how Dan specifically lays out this week's topic, I'll copy and paste:

This week, I would like each of our panelists to respond to two issues that, when you think about it, are really quite related.

a) The Army is deploying people to Iraq who were scheduled to retire. They're deploying people who thought they were retired but hadn't filled out the proper paperwork to resign their commission. What's next? Slipping roofies into drinks and she wakes up in Iraq after Uncle Sam's had his way with her?

b) Blockbuster is dropping the concept of late fees. Is this a good idea? Or merely the last gasp of a dying monopoly?

You may wonder, what do these two things have to do with each other? Nothing. Except that they've been providing Dan with masturbatory material for the last few weeks. "Report to HQ drop those late fees, Private Spears. You're about to be dishorably discharged upon." You sicken me, Dan.

But I digress...
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Before we decided to go into Iraq, there were skeptics who worried the war in Iraq would turn into another Vietnam. For the Vietnam vets turned AARP members who have been called up for duty again it literally has.

How the hell did this happen? Is our military really stretched so thin that we'll now take whatever help we can get, regardless of whether or not they rely on a walker for day-to-day activities? Or have the eugenicists hijacked the Pentagon? Is troop morale so low that we've resorted to massive "When I was your age" campaign to give our soldiers a "good talking to?" Well Uncle Leviathan's got the inside scoop for all you freedom-hating, UN-mongering, French food eating, ANTI-AMERICAN people who dare to question The Mandate.

The reserves is pretty much what it sounds like--a reserve. If the army, say, falls in quicksand, or finds Curly's gold somewhere out in the desert and we need some extra manpower, we have a "reserve" of troops to draw from. The thing about this is that when you sign up for the reserves, you sort of consent to this. It's not the "Paper-pushers," "tomb-guarders," or "flag-folders," it's, well, the reserves. When you decide you want out of the reserves (after the stipulated time), you make it official and sign some shit so you stop getting a check in the mail.

(As an aside, I know this because one of my Uncles used to be in the Marines, but has given up certain benefits so this won't happen. On the other hand, another of my uncles, in the Army Reserves, is a few months away from completing 20 years, and while well aware he might be called upon to serve, he wants to finish up his 20 years to obtain a certain bonus.)

Long story short, I have sympathy for those people who honestly didn't know you had to make it utterly explicit they were no longer in the reserves. For all I know, they might have stopped getting checks, and assumed it was official. The people I unfortunately don't, though, or those who knew this and complain now. Not that I think they're trying to abuse the system, or that I'd be jumping at the chance to go to war any more than they are. But they did know this very well might happen when they signed on the dotted line.

It's sort of like...hmmm, I don't know...renting a movie from Blockbuster and forgetting about it for two weeks. All the sudden you get a call from some no good dirty teen about how you have a fifty dollar fine for "Rubdown." Now, I might very well have watched Rubdown the first night I got it, took it out when I began "A Clockwork Orgy," and forgot all about it. Forgetting that other people might have wanted to see Rubdown while I had it out (pun!), I really shouldn't be charged for this. I watched it once. I enjoyed it in the allotted 2-day period (it was a new rental). I just plumb forgot about it.

On the other hand, if I started watching Rubdown that first night, got interrupted by a special airing of "Citizen Kock" on AMC (that's the American Masturbation Channel, for those unacquainted), and watched it in 15-minute chunks over 10 days, I have been reaping the benefits of Rubdown, and hence, should have to pay the late fee.

Rubdown and this Reserves problem, when you think about it, long and hard enough, are quite similar. If you're still not seeing it, it's probably because you're thinking short and flaccid. And if you still don't see the connection, then you're a free mason.

Same post, different blog.