Why I Support Universal Healthcare

It's basically a three-step logical process.

1. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
2. When people get really sick, we (as a society) will have to pay for the cure.
3. So we might as well pay for the prevention.

So, if you disagree with Universal Health Care, and I know there are a lot of you out there who do, which of these three do you disagree with?

Evil Audubon Society

You should check out The Evil Audubon Society, sometimes misspelled as The Evil Autobahn Society.

Top Gun Analogies, taken too far

The Kentucky Derby is rife with potential for comparison to the 1987 cinematic coup de grace "Top Gun".

"I feel the need. The need for speed." Straightforward resemblance to the sport of ponies.

So perhaps it is no surprise that jockey Kent Desormeaux, riding the back of Big Brown (the favorite who went on to win it), chose to commentate a replay of the race by comparing his run to Tom Cruise in that fateful film. Quoth the short, fast man: "I'm locked on now. [] And all I've got to do is pull the trigger."

Eight Belles, the filly who took second place, broke both of her front ankles was immediately put down after two equine ambulances pulled out onto Churchill Downs's track.

It's with a deep understanding of how bad a person I am that I imagine all of the ways I could recast Iceman (played memorably by Val Kilmer)'s line of:

"The plaque for second place is in the women's bathroom."

Going Conventional: A March Madness Case Study

I was talking with friends the other day about sports. All of my friends like sports either significantly more than I do, or significantly less. Thus I was basically talking to myself and wondering how likely conventional wisdom was to be wise.

I know there are all sorts of bookies who know exactly what seeds mean what, but I was more interested in the exception cases. Specifically, what is the largest sub-tree of an NCAA bracket that has had no upsets.

I was positive that 2 team subtrees had this property: that's simply the higher-seeded team winning a game. I would have bet a lot of money at long odds that 4 teams had done it (that is, 1 beats 4 and 2 beats 3 and then 1 beats 2. Of course, in a 16-team seeding, that really means 1 beats 16 and 8 beats 9 and 1 beats 8). But 8 games... I thought happened. And 16 I thought maybe hadn't.

Turns out, 8 teams has happened. As recently as 2007. #2 Georgetown is triumphant over 7 other, lower-seeded teams.

16 teams has happened too. If my scan is correct (though it's late, so I'm open to other examples), in the 1985 tournament. The East region was won by #1 seed Georgetown, who beat seed 16, seed 8 (who beat seed 9), seed 4 (who beat seed 13 and seed 5 (who beat seed 12)), and seed 2 (who beat seed 15, seed 7 (who beat seed 10), and seed 3 (who beat seed 14 and seed 6 (who beat seed 11))).

But before that, I had found that it has also happened to 12 teams. Back in 1982, with a 48-team field, the West region was won by... Georgetown.

I guess the moral of the story is: if you find yourself seeded in a sub-bracket with Georgetown seeded higher than you, you're in for a not-very-upsetting time.

P.S. As a side note, I checked out Georgetown. In 10 out of 17 tournaments I looked at, they won exactly when they were the higher-seeded team. In 4 they lost as a higher seed, and in 3 they won as a lower seed. Thus, in the future, you should expect Georgetown to win exactly those games as they are expected to. They're rather dependable.

Why can't Juries ask questions?

I'm watching 12 Angry Men.

The Jurors bring up among themselves all these questions. Arguments then ensue.

Why should Jurors not be allowed to address their questions/concerns to people who could answer them? In what ways would this harm the process?

I think we're really hesitant to do Jury Reform, and for good reason. But how many hundreds of years, with how much progress in understanding how it is that 1) people come to decisions (cognitive) and 2) how groups of people come to decisions (social psych)? And how much more complex are the methods that Jurors have to understand? And the laws?

So much has changed since last we changed. Maybe it's time to start asking these questions.

I sincerely hope someone responds, in comments or email, "we don't allow Jurors to do this because *VALID REASON HERE*."

Can you tell I watched Lost in Translation recently?

For relaxing dirt, make it... Suntory Dirt.

So, which NBC exec went to Stanford?

I just watched the Knight Rider made-for-tv movie. In it, the comely daughter of the dead scientist teaches at Stanford. And the fly-over shots are accurate, but that's stock videography. The exterior shots of when she leads the library are not Stanford, which makes sense: if you're filming in LA, you aren't going to pack up to film Stanford.

But they got some stuff weirdly right. The sign in the library said, "Go Cardinal, the AXE is ours!" Which correctly gets the pluralization of our mascot correct (it's singular), and refers to the object of our rivalry. Touches like these are the hallmark of alma mater affinity.

But another show debuting on NBC this fall, Chuck, features a protagonist that failed out of Stanford. In the few flashbacks, again, large details are out of whack: the frat house doesn't look like any Stanford frat house. But again, no tv dorm room ever looks like a dorm room. But the little touches. They show Chuck's college ID card, and it's a well formatted SUID card, instantly recognizable to any Stanford student.

So, why? I'm thinking there's an NBC exec that went to Stanford, and so toady little show runners are telling their staffs (staves?) that they need to set things at Stanford, and get the details right!

I imagine tens of fact checkers scouring through Wikipedia articles and Facebook Wall Postings and USNews College Board Discussions for the hints of veracity that'll make this mythic benefactor smile with remembrance of his heady college days.

Christ's Vicar in the Air

This article from the Times talks about the Pope and abortion. Big surprise: he's anti-. And he'll excommunicate politicians who backed a measure legalizing them in Mexico. Question 1: will he excommunicate those who voted for such politicians? Those who vote for such politicians in the future? Those who provide aid and comfort to such politicians?

But these geopolitically religious questions get in the way of a larger question. The Times says the comments were made "during an airborne news conference aboard the plane carrying him". Now, we all know about the Popemobile. But what do we call this fantastic vehicle of Papal Transport? The airplance that can return the Prelate of St. Peter's Basilica to his Rome dome home? That can speed to court a Pontiff plaintiff? (perhaps there to deliver his sartorial wisdom with a vestment testament) That can, with altitude, make the mitre mightier?

Pope Force One.






(Though we also would have accepted VHoly See-25)

Pronunciation Realization

Where do you place the accent in the word "Caribbean"? Per se, I normally accent it as ca-RIB-be-an. But, I realized, in reference to the Johnny Depp vehicle, I pronounce "the Pirates of the CA-ri-BE-an". And when I think about it, I realize that doing so makes the phrase iambic (yes, with a femine rhyme, which is why there's an extra syllable on the end). Why?

Robert Frost said writers in English have a choice between two meters: strong iambic and weak iambic.

I guess readers in English only have those two choices, as well.

Opt-what now?

I just signed up for Consumer Reports. Spending $26 so I can save money. That's why I spent 5 years in college.

But as I'm signing up, they have this form item:

We occasionally send e-mail notification of special ConsumerReports.org events and updates or news about other Consumer Reports activities or products. If you do not want to receive such notices let us know by checking "Opt out."

Opt In
Opt Out

Now, I appreciate the ability to marginally reduce my spam load by telling them "I'd rather not, really." But they are using standard terms of nerdery and cred and nerd cred to make it appear that they get it.

When they don't.

And what's worse, the UI is unclear. Presumably, if you don't want to be bugged, you'd prefer an opt-in system, in which case, then you want to opt-out--

Look Consumer Reports. Let's get past the pleasantries. I'm giving you 26 dollars and a spam email address. You're going to give me some information on camcorders I want to buy, you're going to sell said email address to anyone who will pay for it, then you're going to give it away to anyone who can't. This isn't an affair of the heart; it's a shoddy electronic information passing encounter of prostitution.

Foster in Stereo (R)

Since so pitifully little of my work at The Onion - A.V. Club has made it into the web edition, I took the liberty of constructing a rudimentary page to host my articles to date. (I read and write HTML at a third-grade level). See it here:

http://mysite.verizon.net/vze2788s/

At least it's not a members-dot-aol-dot-com page (quasi-sequitur: Stephen Glass used an AOL domain when constructing a bogus page for Jukt Micronics as part of the tapestry of fabulism he called a journalistic career.)

Hopefully, you'll read some of the stuff there and think: "Ah, of course he hasn't had time to post at The Enfranchised lately. The man is working toward a Pulitzer."

You Can Do Better: Rolling Stones

In this article, we find out that 300 horses are to be sedated as a Rolling Stones concert happens next to them.

In this edition of You Can Do Better, we invite you to to Do Better in comments.

Punchlines:

• Normally the 300 doses of horse tranquilizer at a Stones concert are for Keith Richards.
  
• So this is why Serbian Gangsters threaten you with sleeping with the horses.
  
• Some pun on the song title "Wild Horses".
  

Snakes in a Plain... old office building.

My, who's that handsome blogger over at the official Google Blog?

Oh, it's me!

I mean, it's I.

Fucking predicate nominative.

Discovered Clerihew

Reading Paul Fussell's Poetic Meter & Poetic Form (an excellent book for those who wanted to know more than they wanted to know about... poetic meter and poetic form), I read this example of graffito (absurd singular not added, but in the original):

"Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero.
But those who wish to be civilians,
Jesus, they run into the millions."

Fussell introduces the poem to point out the value of Trochaic substitution. Jesus, in the fourth line, is a trochee (its first syllable is stressed, as opposed to an iamb in which the last syllable is stressed). This draws our attention (as does the fact that it's a the-tiniest-bit-naughty interjection). (Fussell doesn't mention that soldiers, parallel at the beginning of the first line, is also a trochee; the omission makes me wonder if he doesn't pronounce it as an iamb.)

But what he doesn't mention is that this is a Clerihew. And an excellent one at that. Because there is no prescription for meter, poets in the form cannot fall back on anything and have to find utility in the arbitrary; this anonymous has.

AKA the Testicle Tax

This image (which, if it's broken down, described a $1645 rebate for people willing to buy a Ford Mustang with an Automatic Transmission) is supply and demand at its barest.

What is the problem here? Simple, it's:

1. A Ford Mustang with
   
2. an automatic transmission.
   
   

If you're driving a sports car, don't be piloting a shuttlecraft where you occasionally give it some guidance to increase thrust or to fiddle with the cruise control or maybe a bit more to the left there, eh horseless carriage? If you're not too busy handling my hands-free bluetooth call to my manicurist?

Ford should just come out and call this incentive program what it is: a pussy rebate, for those who want to the veneer of a macho set of wheels that needn't hold up to fine inspection because they do not, in fact, have any friends who will be riding shotgun.

At least, not any that don't have to be inflated.

Pour Moi?

This story has everything going for it. The chair-throwing hard-work attitude of Bobbby Knight pushing for the nonsensical, Dan Rather-esque shouting of pizza-seller Dick Vitale, to get the latter into the College Basketball Hall of Fame. It follows up on Bobby Knight's redemption (at least in my eyes): the NBA recently decided that pros have to be out of high school for one year, which has pushed the LeBron Jameses of the world to college for one year of a degree they *know* they won't finish, and Knight has been the only college coach to talk about the harm this is doing to student-athletes. Before, anyone who came to college only *thought* they might not finish college, y'know, if they had a few good seasons. And this really is a good tale: Dickie V belongs in the College Basketball Hall. He is the voice of March for many people.

But he's that voice on ESPN, the same outlet that's running this story. Without disclaimer. And I realize this is an AP story, but ESPN, can't you please say "full disclosure: Dick Vitale is an employee of ESPN". Because when you don't, you endorse a story, a pity, a sympathy that, if it were followed up on, would benefit you. You'd get to do a special on DV, maybe a retrospective, best of commentary on ESPN Classic, and a reality TV show where DVitty goes back to school to finish up his degree and find his lost love on ESPNU (look, Rodney Dangerfield's dead, you can steal his part and Terry Farrell is still hotter than Perry Farrell).

So, ESPN, shill away: you're a Disney company, it's kind of your job. But also make it clear that you're Dick's Vital employer when you do.

Eventual Gander: British History for Dummies

[Review of British History for Dummies by Sean Lang]

There are times in history when one ought to be a fan of a certain publishing house. Scribner's Sons in the 20's. City Lights in the 50's. And now, For Dummies. Now, I'm sure that the For Dummies series prompts scorn and derision for some of their titles. I can only hope that Computers for Dummies reads something like this: "This is a mouse. You use it to do the obvious thing on your computer. When it breaks, you should do anything other than call your 'smart grandson' who does, in fact, have something better to do than help you digitize your photos of cats in front of a background of animated cats trying to hump other still life cats." I might be worried about my grandma taking offense at the previous sentence if not for the content of the previous sentence.

But the For Dummies books on Humanities and Social Sciences are awesome. The actual dummies, the ones who learn things just for grades, flock to Cliffs Notes. This brand, that in the technical realm caters to liberal arts majors on a deadline ("Our co-op newsletter needs to be out by Tuesday and it's not getting there 'til you learn Adobe Illustrator!"), caters, in the humanities realm, to liberal arts majors looking to have more info to masturbate out in casual cocktail party conversation. And so they find wholly competent authors who have a nice, cheeky sense of humor to write it. All the while giving you the facts without the pesky parts of textbooks. Y'know, the quizzes, the forced diversity ("minorities were important too during this period; check out this sidebar that shows a woman/black/poor person who had an interesting life story that is a sidebar because it doesn't fit in to the main story"), the repetition for students skimming a chapter introduction 3 minutes before class.

This is a textbook for people who want to learn, and want to have fun learning. Textbooks use a style that is dry, droll, and drab to make information easy to convey. Instead of dumbing down the words, Lang makes his style more interesting so you read closer. Consider the following chapter/section titles: "1066 and All That Followed", "Children of the Revolutions", "And What Have the Romans Ever Given Us in Return?", "Saxon, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll", "Who wants to be a William heir?", "Going Dutch", "Marlborough country", "Trouble Over: Brdiged Water", "The Battle of Warren Hastings". These are references to, somewhat respectively, an earlier satire of British History, Song Titles, Monty Python, awesome things, game shows, a good way to be told it's alright but you won't get laid, smoking, and historical occurrences themselves. I'm sure I've omitted several altogether awesome ones. And that made me pay closer attention. And that made me learn more.

The writing's funny, sure. In a wry, British manner, instructive itself. (In one passage about the revolts over Poll Tax, the writer notes that the disembodied head the peasants took was surely displayed on a vertical piece of wood using pole tacks). But all the cultural references make this book more admittedly a product of its own time than most are willing to admit. And it's short, a survey course, which means you get blasted with a lot, quickly. This is not a book to read a chapter or two of. If you want that, go to wikipedia. This is a book to read all of in one relatively fell swoop, so that you make connections you might miss if you read about single events. For instance, I had never quite realized that the Prince John who was the snivelling bastard in Robin Hood stories became the King John who, as a snivelling king, was forced by his barons to issue the Magna Carta. Let me know what connections you make.

Don't read this book because I recommend it. That perverts the purpose of this book. It is a book to be read only because you don't have to. The author made this book good; intent and intent alone can make it enjoyable.

It might make the Food Network, but how would they know?

You rarely think of the Amish as being gimmicky. Or, rather, they have their one gimmick, and stick to their schtick so thoroughly that you almost, for a second, think they maybe, just maybe they don't actually want to have fun. This lets you know that, in fact, they want to rage and be famous like the rest of us.

So, to the Amish: welcome.

To Don King: looks like there's a new (self-)promoter in town.

Dr. Foster's Dictionary: March 21, 2007

It's official. The distinction between high culture and low culture is no more. The Rubicon has been crossed...Il est fini....or, if you will, Git 'er Done.

If Borat didn't perform the coup de grâce, then certainly this Vanity Fair piece on British ex-pats in New York does. In the midst of his Anglo-baiting self-flagellation, A.A. Gill manages to comment on the "severe moose knuckle" caused by the British New Yorker's inproper deployment of American blue jeans. Let's see the entry and discussion from Dr. Foster's Dictionary.

moose knuck·le
[moos nuhk-uhl]
noun

1. A minor regional dysphemism from the middle-low American, having to do with the bifurcation and bulging of the scrotum and gonads, respectively, caused by a high-riding crotch seam on an overtight pair of pants. The sartorial phenomenon derives its name from its apparent similarity to the phalanges bones of the American moose. It relates also to the more widely celebrated "camel toe" phenomenon (though the taxonomic connection is vague at best: camels and moose come from two entirely different suborders--Tylopoda and Ruminantia, respectively--of Order Artiodactyla. What a gaffe!)

Since Europeans use "Elk" and not "moose" to refer to the relevant genuses, it speaks to the true thought-transforming power of globalization, as well as to Gill's immersion in American culture, that he uses "moose knuckle" instead of "elk knuckle" to describe a suffocating nutsack. Don't be surprised if William Safire has a thing or two to say about the affair in his "On Language" column in the New York Times Magazine.

The Eventual Gander: Double Feature

Over the span of eight hours this weekend I saw two films: The Last King of Scotland and Zodiac. A few notes.

The Last King of Scotland: Overall a decent film. It manages to achieve the kind of rock'n'roll pacing of a McG venture* and the 360-degree grit of a Tony Scott flick without descending into gonzo garishness or cinemagraphic circle jerk (of course, it's hard to be blinded by the bling when you're filming in Uganda). Anyway, I said it was a decent film. But Forrest Whitaker's performance as Idi Amin will nevertheless gaurantee its permanence. For once, the buzz was right. Whitaker deserves not only this year's Oscar but next year's as well. His screen presence is more like screen omnipresence. He dominates every scene he's in, just as Amin himself did. Also, and this is kind of an aside. There is a 15 minute sequence involving Amin's beautiful third wife, a trio of African go-go dancers, and our young Scottish protagonist. Needless to say, my jeans have never been so uncomfortable (this even though I was unable to suspend disbelief enough to think that a 130lb Scot could please a Nubian Princess. The Scots have the endowment of the Irish and the lustiness of the English.)

Zodiac: Wonderful. It is one of the signs of great filmmaking that the audience is kept in suspense even when they know what's going to happen. I went into Zodiac knowing most of the details--including the fact that they never made a charge in the case--and was biting my nails throughout its three-hour runtime. This is Fincher at his finest, but don't expect to see Seven or Fight Club, Zodiac is a different animal. Also, it's a nice touch that Fincher cast different actors to play the Zodiac based on different witnesses accounts. My one complaint, and it's fairly minor, is that Jake Gyllenhaal couldn't be bothered to change his rugged chic wardrobe or his perfectly unkempt ski-ramp haircut for a fucking 70s period piece. What, is his image under license with the Mid-00's Heart Throb Association of America?



*I debated whether to dignify that ridiculous moniker with a reference for about a half hour