Devils in a Blue Dress -- Second Scene

This is a continuation of, not suprisingly, the first scene of this one act.


(scene 2)

(at dinner, in a restaurant, with the girl. The meal is finished, the plates dirty but not picked up.)

Guy: No, I do want to know about you. I'm just not writing the back of a trading card: "Spent six years at Richard Nixon Elementary, two as a starter before being called up by Gerald Ford Middle School. Traded one season later to sunny California and Loma Verde High School for one Vending Machine and three textbooks to be named at a later date." I want to know you, and the facts about you only as much as they help towards the first goal.

Girl: Let's see: I'm the daughter of a New Mexican Research Scientist and a transported Southern Belle Debutante, which explains why I have a knack for math and a shaky body image. I spent last summer interviewing sex workers for a documentary, which means I know all their tricks. And my uncle's a stamp collector, which means I know it's not dirty to be philatelic.

Guy: I'm really glad you decided to come out to dinner to me.

Girl: Me too.

Guy: My strategy paid off.

Girl; You had a strategy?

Guy: Of course. If I had asked you out while you were, I dunno, swimming with dolphins or being fed peeled grapes by Abercrombie models, I probably would have gotten a quick no if you'd even bothered responding. But by asking you while you were stuck caring for a pukey friend, relatively, I was God's gift to women.

Girl: Do you really think it's wise to enter a relationship as the lesser of two evils?

Guy: This was a nice dinner. The food was passable, the service mediocre, but the company superb. (Y'know that moment right before a kiss when you're both silent and the world is calm? Yeah. That. Except, there's no traiditional post-pre-kiss kiss. Because Plot Device Girl has entered the restaurant, with Needs-to-be-Popular on her arm (unclothed), and comes up to Girl. At the recognition that PDG is present, Girl is tagged-by Needs-to-be-Popular)

PDG: Hi!

Girl: Oh, hey.

PDG: I didn't think I'd run into you here. Don't you love this place?

Needs-to-be-Popular: Yeah, totally. (standing). Lindsay, do you know--

Guy: We've met.

PDG: Yeah, hi.

Popular: So, did you hear about Wendy and Brad?

PDG: No.

Popular: Well, you know how she's been basically throwing herself at him for the past two months.

PDG: Doesn't he have a long-term girlfriend?

Popular: Well, yes, but last Tuesday, her picture moved from next to his bed to the bookshelf off in the corner.

PDG: Ah, commitment through photography, the surest sign cheating is about to begin.

Popular: Wait for it. Last night, she told him that old joke, "What do you do to an elephant with three balls?"

PDG: I dunno, what?

Popular: Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.

PDG: It's not the greatest joke, but, nothing not to hook up with a girl over.

Popular: Except, Brad (holds three fingers over her crotch)

PDG: No!

Popular: Carrying a spare, yep!

PDG: Is that even possible? It violates everything I know about bilateral symmetry.

Popular: During the draft for World War Two, there were nine documented cases in America alone.

PDG: Does that get you out of the draft?

Popular: Hmm, I dunno. Yes?

PDG: Why?

Popular: Bigger target?

PDG: How do you know all that?

Popular: Well, when he gets drunk, Brad can't stop talking about his condition. He can barely stop showing it off.

PDG: Eww.

Popular: Well, let's just say, he seems to have an extra portion in other places, too.

PDG: Oh my god, you're too funny. She's outrageous, you know that?

Guy: I'd been getting the impression.

PDG: OK, I have to get going. But will I see you at Kara's party tonight?

Popular: Oh, sure. (PDG exits) (sitting again) Wow. She's the type of girl I never thought I was cool enough to be friends with, but then I got to college, and look at that. Asking me to the party. (tagged-by Ambition)

Guy: Very cool, I have to admit.

Ambition: So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, well, I want to make films. This school doesn't offer a major in it, but I found a professor who liked me. I took his seminar, and he kept asking me, "what year are you? A senior", and I was like, "no, freshman," and he would say, "well, you're the best writer in the class."

Guy: That is rather impressive.

Ambition: So, I'll probably design my own major, which he'll approve cause he likes me. Then go on to grad school at, I dunno, somewhere in New York or LA.

Guy: It sounds like you have a solid plan.

Ambition: Are you patronizing me? Look, I've had people not believe in me before, so it might be easier for both of us if you're honest. (tagged-by Unexplained Coldness)

Guy: No, I mean it, you sound like you have a very good idea of what you want to do, and perhaps more importantly, how to get there.

Unexplained Coldness: OK.

Guy: Great. So, like, I was saying, I really think that this dinner has been great.

Unexplained Coldness: Sure.

Guy: I'm sorry, did, did I do something wrong?

Unexplained Coldness: Why would you think that?

Guy: Oh, nothing.

Unexplained Coldness: Good.

Guy: Cause if I did, I'd love to make it better.

Unexplained Coldness: Could we just -- you know.

Guy: Yeah, sure. (long pause as they pick at dinner remains) What lesser-known meat would you try, if you could?

Unexplained Coldness: What?

Guy: Or, more specifically, lesser-known meat from Australia? Kangaroo, Koala, Duck-billed Platypus?

Unexplained Coldness: What are you talking about? Do you really think that that's a way to get to know me? Asking me nonsensical questions just to make yourself appear witty? Anybody can think of three funny words to string together. Look, I'll do it: gopher, fellatio, shoehorn.

Guy: (after a bit more of a pause) (to the waitress) Check!

(scene)