Majored in Drama, with a concentration in disembowelment, specialty of self-evisceration

For years, television acting has been a field in retreat. First, simple reality: The Real World. Then, game shows (remember a simpler time? When Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was all we could hear about and we were only afraid of our own children turning guns on us, their peers, and eventually themselves?) roamed the earth. When the two were merged, the behemoth Survivor was created. Survivor begat Big Brother, and Big Brother begat a crapload of crappy, campy, crap.

Every show that had a script feared for its future. Those with intellectual humor ran and cried underneath a sofa. So did Frasier. It seemed like the only way to survive was to create characters so boring and predictable that no one would believe a writer had taken time to craft it. Cf. the longevity and popularity of Friends.

But the renaissance we are now experiencing is limited: you must be morbid to make it nowadays. The CSI's, SVU's, and ER's are taking over. Fox's House (about a quirkily genius doctor that I try hard not to enjoy, but still do) meets that network's definition of a smash success. Even this season's breakout hit, ABC's Desperate Housewives, features more dead bodies than fat ones.

Which leads me to wonder: how do actors prepare for this? Has Julliard begun offering a course in how to decompose? "Think like the worms. Feel the worms." How do you even cast that? "Well, I loved #17's rack, and her headshots were flawless, but let's not kid ourselves, #23 nailed that Grand Mal Seizing!" Or telling your relatives? I mean, it's at least respectable to only have part of your body featured if it's, e.g., the ear with that Diamond Tiffany's stud. But do you really want to be sitting around the Thanksgiving table, explaining to old half-deaf "Uncle" Tomas that you were the severed limb in the landfill on episode 712A3-- oh, and could you pass the meatloaf?

This is why, I say, we should forbid any expression that involves dead people. All sick must be played by bunnies and body parts replaced by lollipops.

-D"The Tell-Tale Sucker"an