Pissing in the Wind, Round V: iThesis

It seems that Dan's topic for this week is somewhat less controversial than last week, and as such, less prone to inspire me to launch a barrage of baseless accusations at him. After all, how can you turn: "Apple or Microsoft" into "Dan's mom: lesbian Eskimo or just Canadian?" Unfortunately, you can't, so you're all just going to have to settle for some good 'ol fashioned cool reasoning.

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Apple or Microsoft? iBook or PC? OSX or Windows? All questions we've undoubtedly thought about in passing two or three times in our lives. But did you know that hundreds of computer programmers have lost their lives in this bloody conflict? Deep in the heart of Silicon Valley, a vast guerilla war has been raging between the two tribes ever since Al Gore invented the internet. It includes numerous, unspeakable atrocities, like: 1) saying the other side's computers are slower and less technologically advanced than the others, 2) insults like "giga-nerd" and "mega-gay," 3) disparaging comparisons to the more unpopular characters of Star Wars and Star Trek ("Your wife uncrossed her legs and I thought I saw Chewbaca), and worst of all, 4) "super-dirty bombs"--flaming bags of shit the size of which you've never seen. But the Leviathan is all about peace and love, and so let's try to settle this in a sensitive, bitechnical way.


First, Apple has the following pros:

1. A sleek, sexy look to all their products. I don't often say an inanimate object turns me on, but just seeing one of those smooth, metallic wonders makes me want to download porn that much faster.
2. Cool names. You have iBook, iTunes, iPod. How fucking cool is that?! Put a lower-case i in front of anything and it spices it up. iLeviathan--me, but more fun! iCar--hold on to your seatbelts, this is gonna be one fantastic voyage! iRabies--I almost want it now! iCUP--hahahahahaha.
   
3. No viruses. Since no one owns a Mac, no one's gonna make a virus for it! Don't worry about your credit card number, social security number, or your ATM password. You can even save them as your wallpaper! And when applesecurity@hotmail.com asks you for them, go ahead and give it to them! I...I mean, they...just need to make sure your system is running OK.

But it does have it's Cons:

1. One mouse, one button. Forget about right-clicking anything, now you're going to put down the juice box so you can click with one hand, and press a Ctrl with the other. If anyone tells you they make a mouse with two buttons, don't listen to them. They have shit for brains.
2. Poor music downloading software. If you thought Metallica was uncool for making you pay to download music, you really have to ask yourself: why the hell did you think Metallica was cool in the first place? Get ready to shill out change for every song you download, because the iTunes store will be your home away from home.
3. Really, really annoying commercials. If you think the U2 commercial is annoying, think back to when iPods first came out. Remember when they had that goofy white guy with his iPod on rapping "I like big butts?" And that obnoxious little kid doing it to "The real Slim Shady?" That's right, you're only encouraging them...
   

But enough about Apple, let's take a look at Microsoft. What Pros do they have:

1. Software-friendly. Everything you could ever want in a Mac and more. Media players, music-downloading software, everything. Hell, they even have iTunes and iPods for Windows. And get this? They even acquired it legally! (You know Gates was going to steal them at any time).
2. Fully-equipped from purchase. Microsoft everything. Microsoft Office, Internet Explorer, even anti-virus software. And the best part? Their constant security updates will make sure you don't get the latest worms or viruses--or competing products like Firefox...
3. Bill Gates! C'mon, what's not to like about him. He's been knighted for his foundations work in combating AIDS in Africa. He dropped out of college and still became the richest man in the country. Let's face it, in this uber-capitalist culture we live in, Bill Gates is about the closest thing we'll get to rags-to-riches. Call it: well-off to maniacally ruthless CEO (made for TV movie coming soon).

But like Apple, Microsoft has it's cons:

1. Viruses. Contrary to Macs, you will get a virus. It's virtually guaranteed. In fact, if you don't get one within the first 6-months of owning your computer Bill Gates will personally send you one so you have to pay an exorbitant price to repair your computer. And it's not just Bill Gates you need to worry about. Every no-good, pimply-faced, punk teen will--when not loitering outside of convenience stores and making strange, whale-like noises while gawking about passers-by to their equally awkward pasty-faced friend--be designing a virus that brings them no tangible reward except for the cheap satisfaction of pissing me off (see also here).
2. Bill Gates. Once you buy a computer with windows, Bill Gates now, legally, owns your soul.
3. Pop-ups. "Want to date me?" "Improve your sex life." "Assholeclickswhat." You can download all the pop-up stoppers you want, but nothing will stop them. They'll become a part of your daily life. You'll see salesmen promising to enhance your penis size pop out of nowhere in your office. Strange men with dollar signs all over their suits will follow you on your way home. Co-eds asking you if they're hot or not will fill your dreams. Pretty soon, you'll speak nothing but catch phrases, and hear nothing but jingles.

So there you have it, the pros and cons of Apple and Windows. I'll leave you all to make a decision based on the above criteria for yourself, but I, for one, will living life with only my abacus and Ham radio. How did I write this without a computer, you ask? With freedom, comrade, with freedom.

(Same post, different blog)