Gates, Jobs, Gates' Job, and Jobs' Gate

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Pissing in the Wind, Round V: iThesis

It seems that Dan's topic for this week is somewhat less controversial than last week, and as such, less prone to inspire me to launch a barrage of baseless accusations at him. After all, how can you turn: "Apple or Microsoft" into "Dan's mom: lesbian Eskimo or just Canadian?" Unfortunately, you can't, so you're all just going to have to settle for some good 'ol fashioned cool reasoning.

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Apple or Microsoft? iBook or PC? OSX or Windows? All questions we've undoubtedly thought about in passing two or three times in our lives. But did you know that hundreds of computer programmers have lost their lives in this bloody conflict? Deep in the heart of Silicon Valley, a vast guerilla war has been raging between the two tribes ever since Al Gore invented the internet. It includes numerous, unspeakable atrocities, like: 1) saying the other side's computers are slower and less technologically advanced than the others, 2) insults like "giga-nerd" and "mega-gay," 3) disparaging comparisons to the more unpopular characters of Star Wars and Star Trek ("Your wife uncrossed her legs and I thought I saw Chewbaca), and worst of all, 4) "super-dirty bombs"--flaming bags of shit the size of which you've never seen. But the Leviathan is all about peace and love, and so let's try to settle this in a sensitive, bitechnical way.


First, Apple has the following pros:

1. A sleek, sexy look to all their products. I don't often say an inanimate object turns me on, but just seeing one of those smooth, metallic wonders makes me want to download porn that much faster.
2. Cool names. You have iBook, iTunes, iPod. How fucking cool is that?! Put a lower-case i in front of anything and it spices it up. iLeviathan--me, but more fun! iCar--hold on to your seatbelts, this is gonna be one fantastic voyage! iRabies--I almost want it now! iCUP--hahahahahaha.
   
3. No viruses. Since no one owns a Mac, no one's gonna make a virus for it! Don't worry about your credit card number, social security number, or your ATM password. You can even save them as your wallpaper! And when applesecurity@hotmail.com asks you for them, go ahead and give it to them! I...I mean, they...just need to make sure your system is running OK.

But it does have it's Cons:

1. One mouse, one button. Forget about right-clicking anything, now you're going to put down the juice box so you can click with one hand, and press a Ctrl with the other. If anyone tells you they make a mouse with two buttons, don't listen to them. They have shit for brains.
2. Poor music downloading software. If you thought Metallica was uncool for making you pay to download music, you really have to ask yourself: why the hell did you think Metallica was cool in the first place? Get ready to shill out change for every song you download, because the iTunes store will be your home away from home.
3. Really, really annoying commercials. If you think the U2 commercial is annoying, think back to when iPods first came out. Remember when they had that goofy white guy with his iPod on rapping "I like big butts?" And that obnoxious little kid doing it to "The real Slim Shady?" That's right, you're only encouraging them...
   

But enough about Apple, let's take a look at Microsoft. What Pros do they have:

1. Software-friendly. Everything you could ever want in a Mac and more. Media players, music-downloading software, everything. Hell, they even have iTunes and iPods for Windows. And get this? They even acquired it legally! (You know Gates was going to steal them at any time).
2. Fully-equipped from purchase. Microsoft everything. Microsoft Office, Internet Explorer, even anti-virus software. And the best part? Their constant security updates will make sure you don't get the latest worms or viruses--or competing products like Firefox...
3. Bill Gates! C'mon, what's not to like about him. He's been knighted for his foundations work in combating AIDS in Africa. He dropped out of college and still became the richest man in the country. Let's face it, in this uber-capitalist culture we live in, Bill Gates is about the closest thing we'll get to rags-to-riches. Call it: well-off to maniacally ruthless CEO (made for TV movie coming soon).

But like Apple, Microsoft has it's cons:

1. Viruses. Contrary to Macs, you will get a virus. It's virtually guaranteed. In fact, if you don't get one within the first 6-months of owning your computer Bill Gates will personally send you one so you have to pay an exorbitant price to repair your computer. And it's not just Bill Gates you need to worry about. Every no-good, pimply-faced, punk teen will--when not loitering outside of convenience stores and making strange, whale-like noises while gawking about passers-by to their equally awkward pasty-faced friend--be designing a virus that brings them no tangible reward except for the cheap satisfaction of pissing me off (see also here).
2. Bill Gates. Once you buy a computer with windows, Bill Gates now, legally, owns your soul.
3. Pop-ups. "Want to date me?" "Improve your sex life." "Assholeclickswhat." You can download all the pop-up stoppers you want, but nothing will stop them. They'll become a part of your daily life. You'll see salesmen promising to enhance your penis size pop out of nowhere in your office. Strange men with dollar signs all over their suits will follow you on your way home. Co-eds asking you if they're hot or not will fill your dreams. Pretty soon, you'll speak nothing but catch phrases, and hear nothing but jingles.

So there you have it, the pros and cons of Apple and Windows. I'll leave you all to make a decision based on the above criteria for yourself, but I, for one, will living life with only my abacus and Ham radio. How did I write this without a computer, you ask? With freedom, comrade, with freedom.

(Same post, different blog)

Pissing Into The Wind: What Kind of Man Are You?

There are certain questions that get to the root of a soul. Are you a dog person or a cat person? SUV or Prius? Innie or Outie? But, of course, no nerd will start talking to you without first asking (of course, in some cases, they don't have to ask, and can know just by looking at you): Mac or PC.

The times have been a-changing recently. Previously, it was easy to cast off the lovers of that harsh Apple Mistress as bourgeois, who daily gorged themselves on caviar and washed it down with all sorts of expensive liquids: champagne, experimental pharmaceuticals, unrefined sweet crude. But Apple has made a few moves towards accessibility. iTunes[sic, and goddamn you Steve for making me mess with the capitalization that has been handed down father to son for centuries!] now exists for the PC, convincing a few otherwise lost souls to see the nirvana that is applications that, get this, have a brushed metallic look! Why, it hearkens back to the day that computeres were mighty beasts of machines!

And then today, apple introduced the cheapest Mac ever (at $499) that is also the smallest computer, and an obvious competitor for the cutest of the current year. The new iPod shuffle is a stripped-down sibling of an already petite product. But at only $99, and coming with a lanyard to prominently display it around your neck, you definitely get more bling for your buck.

Make no mistake about it, this is as monumental as BMW coming to high schools everywhere and saying, "No longer are we a mark of being Daddy's Favorite Expense. Give us your tired, your Dodge Daytonas, your Plymouth Voyagers, and we will issue to you a BMW 1-series. Sure, it may have the engine that we laughed at 18 months ago as outdated and slightly prone to igniting in holy inferno, and sure, the wheels may not be 'round', but, it's still a BMW."

So, commentators: after all the shakes-up and announcements, which way do your prayer blankets point: Redmond or Cupertino?

Crimes Referential

Randy Moss, that Vikings curmudgeon, is going to be fined. Normally, the schadenfreudic in me would take delight at this bully-gets-his-lunch-money-stolen story. But look at his alleged crime: pretending to moon fans! Even if he had mooned those Cheese Wizzes, woudl that have been so bad? You're allowed to show asses on ABC (though not the oldest network *cough*CBS*cough* ABC is the most disney, and hence representative of red state family values as well as blue state proclivities for dressing up), even when they're Dennis Franz. If you can get away with it on broadcast tv in the days of Herr Powell, you know that you're offending no more than 3 people and a dachsund with the FCC complaint line on speed dial. (he barks a tough but fair rant)

But Randy Moss, I'd like to highlight, mooned no one. He was merely informing the audience that he had a posterior, which was, in fact, covered. This is like someone going to jail for saying, "there are terrorists", which doesn't happen until Gonzales is sworn in as Attorney General.

My biggest fear in life is that our reality will devolve into a Monty Python sketch. And so I can just imagine a defendant (true fact: John Cleese studied law at Cambridge, and in a giant Fuck You to everything British then wasted it by appearing in Charlie's Angels 2) in a poorly-staged court. The solicitor (they wear wigs. Haha! Wigs! And are actually willing to identify themselves as Tories!) asks him what happened, and as soon as he explains that the defendent held the gun, just so, constables (what do you need those stupid hats for? to hide your stupid wigs? stupid) rush in and arrest him. And at his crime, his accuser does the same, and so on, until we are all in prison for the awful crime of knowing crime. Punishment for Original Sin, rendered unto Caesar.

-D"I expect the Spanish Inquisition"an

On Insults

[Today, a piece that I originally wrote 3 years ago.]

The American lexicon has evolved, over the last decade, to have absent from it terms that can hurt people; I am, of course, thoroughly thrilled at such a happening. Such derogatory terms as “faggot”, “Wop” or “Mick” are no longer used, except by the coarsest of speakers, for fear of insulting “homosexuals”, “Italians” and “Irishmen” everywhere. I am pleased beyond belief at the deep, or at least surface-level, progress this highlights. But if our language is being smithed to prevent accidentally hurt feelings, then what the hell do I call someone when I mean to malign them and everything they stand for?

One solution proposed to the significant problem of insulting an individual instead of a group is to drop hurtful terms for their stereotypical characteristics. Dropping “gay” for “effeminate”, however, creates an affront that sounds forced and technical, and does most definitely not assign to the pejored shady morals and weakness of character. Indeed, replacing “Scotsman” with “Frugal” changes the character of an attempted insult so much as to sound congratulatory to the insulted for his ability to keep track of his fiduciary well-being, and forgets to suggest that he wears, late at night, the “tightest of woolen sweaters”. Thus, political correctness has disarmed my wit and taken from me my one mode of self-improvement in this world.

Hence, I have decided upon a course of action that I must undertake to rectify this problem. With my method, I intend to do for the English language what men such as Kipling , with the Indians, and our own Stanford, with the Chinese, have done in the past. I intend to set out on a voyage around the world, and find an heretofore undiscovered tribe of native people. They will then bend to the power of our “self-propelled howitzers” or, as they refer to them, “marching fire-ants of death.” Once enough of them are killed, the rest shall bend to our 21^st-Century Manifest Destiny, an empire on which the sun sets only rarely.

The vanquished will supply us with a new cadre of insulting terms. Long after the Sex Workers Union deprives us of “cheap whore”, their delightful and primitive face-markings will give us a term for any gaudily-made-up woman. We will cast their men alternately first infertile and then savagely over-virile, as our needs suit us, on the brink of a bar-fight to challenge a drunkard’s convictions. Their children we shall view as wholly stupid, through-and-through, which shall reinvigorate conversation on playgrounds of our country from Maine to Washington, California to Florida, and provide our children a new reason to study their language.

Eventually, it is certain, “tree-huggers”, such as the Sierra Club, Amnesty International and Dendrophiliacs United, will grow wary of our treatment of these poor creatures. As such, they shall eventually be assimilated into our culture and assume the same place as every other minority in our “melting-pot” society, i.e., they shall claim their own strip of land and not associate with anyone else. Their lawyers and own anti-defamation league will strike from our tongues their name as an insult, and innumerable sports teams shall be renamed. I write this, therefore, to offer to future generations a blueprint for finding a new butt for their jokes, and young men with a new adventure to take up for the betterment of their people.