The Salad Bowl--a reply

Ha! The Leviathan gets to respond this time! And what better topic than the "BCS Mess."

I'd love to talk about the BCS, but I'm no sports writer, it woudn't be anything you haven't heard already, and frankly, it wouldn't live up to Pissing in the Wind's reputation for literary cock-fighting. But as an avid college football fan (and reader of the international section of many a newspaper, Herr Foster), I just can't resist a few bulletpoints. So here goes:

• The BCS blows. It blows, sucks, and swallows. All at once. Sure it's better than the old system, but so what? If I'm horny, and there are two fat chicks, one 300 lbs., and the other 287, I'm not going to want to have sex with either of them. And Ms. 287 is going to come up to me and say, "I may not be your dream woman, but look at my hideous friend." It's all relative people.
• Out of any other team, Cal got screwed the most. Royally screwed. I'm talking scepter up the ass screwed. They finish in the top 6 in the nation, and get rewarded by playing Texas Tech in the Assclown bowl. I'd say Auburn and Utah got screwed as well. Auburn because they're, in my book, one of the three teams tied for number one, and they don't even get to play the number 4, 5, or 6 team. Undefeated Utah is trying to show it can compete with the big boys and is truly bowl worthy, and who do they play? Pitt. Not even top 10.
• Unfortunately, I don't see this changing any time soon. The conferences just get too much money from these bowls, not to mention the loot pulled in by these sponsoring corporations. You can have the Tostidos Fiesta bowl, but not really the Nokia Playoffs, or Pepsi presents the NCAA college football finals.

But enough of this discussing of the topic. I should get back to the real task: taking a proverbial shit on Baron von Foster's posting.

I'll be the first to admit, the Ivy League is not exactly a bastion of athleticism (nor is it a bastion of attractiveness, social skills, or basic physical coordination). When it comes to football, basketball, and the other arena sports, we can't compete with the national powers. But Goddammit, we kick ass at the preppy, white kid sports.

Our squash team is consistently among the top two in the nation. Our sailing and crew team are always competing for a national title. Basically, if it's played at a country club or requires expensive equipment, we kick ass. Anything that's dominated by snooty white people of Mayflower heritage, or a suffix no less than XII, we rock.

Of course God does not give with both hands. Aside from football and basketball, we're not terribly good at, say, dancing, jumping, or tanning. Does this bother me? Not at all. You haven't experienced sports bliss until you've seen Charles Putnam Yorkshire the 57th hit a sticky wicket, as you clap politely along with the throngs of bare-chested fans in the student section. And the tailgating before the big Harvard-Yale equestrian match. Man! Kegs + horses + drunk co-eds = hilarity.

So while we may be a little unathletic, a little ugly, and a little socially awkward, I'll be damned if we couldn't beat, say, the Oxford dental team in a teeth contest. Or the GWU football team in...existing! Hahahahahahaha.

Before I sign off, I would like to take this opportunity to have some fun with the Dans in a purely non-personal, playful, yet sexual manner. I will now write the above sentence in Enfranchisedese:

E're my selves doth exuent--my existential and transcendal selves--I shall seize this like the great philosopher, Immanuel Kierkegaard von Hegel, seized the immaculate; HEREBY, I titilate the gelastic senses of the Dans, albeit in the metaphysical, impish, and lustful sense, methinks, ex post facto [sic].

HI-Larious!

Same post, different blog