On Porn, Psuedo-Porn, and Pornicular References.

We're never happy with what we have. And just as it's true with mates, so it's true even with fantasies. If a woman's panties are bikini, we want them thong. If they were to magically become thong, we'd be unhappy because they're crotchful (the opposite of crotchless). Why, even if a woman is going the other way, hoping to lure us with the sex appeal of the librarian-type that appeals to the bibliophile in each of us, we need her sweater's neckline higher and its fabric fluffier. Why aren't we ever satisfied?

I do, from time to time, imbibe. And Thanksgiving last, I may have hit several bottles too hard. So I did what every red-blooded pseudo-intellectual does in this circumstance: I pointed my browser to magazineline.com and subscribed to, in order of increasing trashiness: The Atlantic, The New Yorker, Playboy, and Maxim. I have yet to receive either hard-hitting journalism or cutting-edge fiction/not-nearly-witty-enough poetry/extra umlauts. But their absence has given me time a-plenty to examine the latter two.

And they lust for what they cannot show. Maxim, bless its heart, self-flagellates whenever it misses an opportunity to convey the presence of nipple. And Playboy's id comes out in cartoons that depict what its suggestive photospreads never can: that intercourse occurs. But allow me to point out a few techniques I have identified across these fine wastes of paper:

• The holding-of-boobs: What bra is sexier than other flesh? In this strategy, a model obviously has bare breasts, and you can imagine that if you were to throw a ball at her, she might instinctively catch it. And haha: tatas! Plus, if she has oversized knuckles, you might be able to make out aureola behind those slim digits.
  

• The untying-of-strings: I believe it was Xeno who first examined the paradoxes of catching motion in the still. But it was Plato who first took pictures of naked boys, so I don't know whom to credit. But in this scheme, the model is shown untying her bottom, leaving the reader to fast-forward the scene but five precious seconds, allowing gravity to exert its sworn influence and remove the offending items of cloth.
  

• The doubling-of-porn-implied: This is my favorite. The previous devices have aroused imagination (and other things, yes, you perv) by making the mind's eye envision what probably didn't actually happen in these clinical-and-awfully-contrived photoshoots. But by taking a model, and hiding her "goodies" by having her stand against a mirror, over water, or in relation to some other reflective surface, the brain behind the camera makes that literary metaphor turn into the mind's cross-eyed: in the lecher's thoughts, there are now TWO naked women! And if only one would turn, there would be doubly-exposed pubic hair! Oh paradise!

Oh, and a note to Enfranchised followers: you may have noticed that our Crossfire like segment is entitled "Pissing in the Wind", and that last week it centered around issues of gender. This produced a notable upswing in traffic, almost entirely resulting from yahoo! searches for such esteemed subjects as "women pissing", "men observing men masturbate", "johnny carson ringtone", and the ever-popular "PISSING ON MEN." Now, I am not one to take advantage of hapless travelers. So I would be the last person to advertise this as the best site for "donkey punches." But if someone were to take "free golden showers" out of context or misinterpret the occurrence of words such as "ass rape with head in toilet.mpg", would I be taking advantage of them per se, or human nature?

And on a personal note, I guess I'm a bit... disappointed in the allegedly depraved nature of the web if such oblique references can boost me to the top of the hill for such specific queries. Obviously, our nation is in trouble if the above is the best hit it can produce for "urination olympics."