Oh What a Night

[ an assignment for my Playwriting class. I was suposed to write the most outrageous and teasing first 2 pages of a play that I could. See if you can get the subtle reference to bloodless revolution buried in there. ]

Walter: (the clerk in a convenience store, on his cell-phone, of ambiguous ethnicity) Yes-- I be home 20 minutes. Fine, fifteen. I do have reason! I stay here Tuesday night two hours preparing for health inspector then have to stay three hours Wednesday getting things back to normal. Fine. I promise-- I be there in 15 minutes. No excuses.

Janet: (woman in her 20's, storming in to the store) No, it's not negotiable.

David: (her boyfriend, behind her, but not as hurried) C'mon, Janet, everything's negotiable. (her look says no). Except our safety and health. I just wish you would listen to my-- (she crosses her arms, but doesn't walk away) We've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for five *and a half* months, we've both been tested twice, I trust you and your history of your former partners and, well, (chuckle) we both know I wasn't getting any before-- (trails off)

Janet: You done? (he nods) OK, then we're just going to pick up some condoms now--

David: It's just, honey, if you loved me--

Janet: Y'know, the more you talk, the more I think we won't be needing any tonight.

David: (eyes bulge when he puts two and two together) Oh, no, we will. (picks them up) See, happy? Just, can we get something else, I don't want the cashier to think--

Janet: To think what? That you have sex? Or that you have sex with me?

David: (realizes defeat) I'm sorry. I was wrong. What kind of flowers do you want?

Janet: (kisses him) That's better. Now let's go get us some chips and dip.

Ms. Tarence: (50-something matron walks to counter with bagel and coffee) 3.12, yes yes. (after plopping down money and taking her change) thanks. (exit)

Judge Cranston: (enters, wanders, 60) (to Walter) Excuse me, sir, where do you stock your tobacco, pipes, and tobacco accessories?

Walter: (perplexed) We have cigarettes. Here. Here. And up here. Nicorette over there.

Cranston: Hmm. But no pipes? (Walter shakes his head) Any cigars? Cigarillos?

Walter: (repeating) We have cigarettes. Here. Here. And up here. Nicorette over there.

Janet: Daddy? Daddy! Okay, weird. Well, Daddy, this is David, my-- my boyfriend.

David: Hello Mr. Cranston. (pause, foot in mouth) Doctor! Hello Doctor Cranston! Is a J.D. a doctorate? I mean, does it entitle-- I've heard so much about you. (trying again) Judge Cranston. Judge Cranston? Justice Cranston-- (settles on one). Your Honor.

Cranston: Yes. You as well. (observes the package) So, off to fornicate with my oldest and only daughter? (David blisters and blushes) No matter, you don't want to tell me, I don't want to hear. (to Janet) he's just as you described him, Janet. For better or worse. Speaking of For Better or Worse, is that a ring you're wearing, Mr. David?

Janet: Daddy, it's a-

David: Actually, Daddy, (realizes his mistake) Sir! I mean, Your Right Reverend--

Janet: It's an engagement band. We're engaged!

Ms. Tarence: (rushing back in, to Walter) I gave you a 20, and you only gave me 6.88 in change! You owed me $16.88! This is ridiculous, can't you people do anything right? I come here every day for 7 years, get the same damn coffee and bagel, and you can't even give me proper--

Walter: You want 16.88? That just glorious! Oh, I gave you the ten dollar bill. (opens cash register, pulls out a bill) See here. One ten left. At start of shift, I have two. Where the other one go? Hmm, let me see, let me see, I bet your fat fingers no able to hold it. Before you accuse me, how 'bout you check in between those massive hams you call breasts. I know no one else look there since 1994. What you use for bra? Hoover Dam?

Ms. Tarence: Oh, you little Jook, you better give me that bill or I'll really give you something to be known as lazy over--

Saul: (entering, with ski mask and revolver) Give me your money, this is a hold up!

Walter: (to Ms. Tarence, thrusting the bill upon her) Is yours, we settled.

Janet: (to Saul) Saul, is that-- Is that you?

Saul: Janet. What-- What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since you-- since we-- You told me you had to move!

Janet: Move on, Saul. I had to move on.

Ms. Tarence: Young man, I can't believe this. That you would stoop so low.

Saul: Listen lady, I'm not going to stand for this. You have no idea--

Ms. Tarence: Oh spare me Saul Solomon. No graduate of my third grade *should* stand like that. (reaches out to adjust his posture) Head straight, young man

Saul: (slapping away her hand) Ms. Tarence?!?!

Craig: (entering, with ski mask and revolver) Give me your money, this is a hold up!