The Enfranchised Finally Gets around to Endorsing some Candidates

That's right, its the quadrennial again and we here at The Enfranchised see it as our duty, nay our reluctant and disillusioned irrelevant formality, to guide you, dear reader, as you wade through bodies of exit pollsters and hired goons, electioneers and disenfranchised (the Trotsky to our Stalin, the Turner to our Hooch) on your way to the voting booths. Since we---as 47th degree Free-Masons and members of the Illuminati Oversight Committe---do not vote so much as impose our absolute will wantonly on the masses from atop our Ivory Towers and within our Halls of Power (and occasionally from the john), we figured its the least we could do for you proletariat.

The US Presidential Race

1st choice:
The Libertarian Ticket. If you really hate the status quo and want to stick it to the Man who's straddling both sides of the aisle these days, don't vote Nader. Give Nader the presidency and he'll conduct all his foreign policy via letter-writing campaign. No, vote Badnarik/Campagna. They'll know exactly what to do with the federal government. Namely, destroy it.

Honorable Mentions:
Personal Choice Party: This, we're sad to say, is the only ticket on the ballot to feature both a bona fide member of the International Brotherhood of Prizefighters, and a porn star eligible for Social Security. And just think, if President Charles Jay should perish in an unfortunate White House shower shivving incident, you'll have a capable Vice-President to step in whose foreign policy credits include The Sexual Ecstasy of the Macumba (1975) and Beyond De Sade (1979).

Peace & Freedom Party: Interestingly, the presidential candidate--a French bon vivant by the name of Peltier--has never met his running mate. Maybe it has something to do with Peltier's conviction and ongoing incarceration for the 1975 killing of two federal agents. If the PFP ticket takes the White House, Peltier may well be the first President to pardon himself since Ford ate some bad borscht and got the runs at the SALT II talks in Vladivostock.

Ronald "John Galt Jr." Gascon, Write-in Pennsylvania: I think the name says it all.

Jack Grimes, United Fascist Union: Jack Grimes' rather modest goal is to institute a New World Order by spreading a military dictatorship across the face of the earth. This will presumably be facilitated by our near-at-hand development of psychic powers, with help from UFOs and Satan, without whom Grimes would never be the political force he is today. Sadly, Grimes was never the same after the loss of his brother, Frank, who was driven to madness and an untimely death at the hands of one Homer J. Simpson. We won't link to his website, but you can find it. Make sure you read about his difficulties in getting to an out-of-state campaign event, because mom's car broke down. Jack lives in an apartment above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

The British PM Race

1st. choice
Labour: Blair's an Oxford grad. Michael Howard went to that...other place...in the Fenlands. Fenlands Polytechnic I believe its called.

Honourable Mention
Lib-Dems: That Lib-Dem bird I met at the Union bar kind of had a thing for me I think. Plus, in the UK, Democrats actually are liberal.

The Afghani Presidential Race

1st choice
Somebody, for the love of dear and all mercifucl God, SOMEBODY.

Miscellaneous (US Senate, Illinois)

1st choice

Alan Keyes, Republican: If anyone ever wondered what Kermit the Frog would be like if he were a bearded, black ultra-conservative Catholic, wonder no more.


Me? I'm voting Bull-Moose.

-Foster