On a rainy England nite, I found myself pleasently tanked on cheap pints and waiting patiently in line for a debate at the Oxford Union Society. (For those of you who don't know the Oxford Union, it is a gentleman's club that for 175 years has given fops in black coats and white bowties a place to sit back by the library fire, drink single malt scotch, have a smoke and read the Financial Times .) This nite, the adjoining debate chambers were packed to capacity with a veritable whos-who of British prep school valedictorians. The resolution before the Union: that "This House would re-elect George W. Bush"

First up two American D.Phil students spoke, one on each side. Then, American tax crusader Grover Norquist spoke for Bush and the editor of the Mirror (the New York Post of the UK, ran a story publishing all 150 pictures of people executed under Bush's tenure as governor of Texas)spoke for Kerry. To top it all off, the third round brought Member of Parliament, First Minister of Northern Ireland, Leader of the Ulster Union, Nobel Laureate 1998, Right Honourable Mr. David Trimble esq. to cap-off the case for the affirmative. In response, the negative fielded....... Richard Dreyfuss. A very drunk (complimentary Union sherry) if not strangely eloquent Richard Dreyfuss.

I had a chickenscratch speech all drawn up and ready to go if I was recognized to speak by the chair, something to the effect of: "Madam President, distinguished colleagues, we find ourselves in the Jaws of one of the toughest presidential campaigns in the history of the United States. Much anti-American Graffiti has been sprayed about this chamber tonite, and I feel compelled to dispel some of the rhetoric being proferred about Mr. Bush's Opus of foreign policy. While it is true that we have not caught Osama Bin Laden, we have had many Close Encounters with high-ranking Al Qaeda fighters along the Pakistani border. And Iraq has not been without its share of successes. Saddam Hussein captured, his heirs apparent dead. Some members of the infamous card deck are still on the loose, for instance former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, so-called "Baghdad Bob". You might ask, "What About Bob?" why hasn't he been captured? I can assure you it is only a matter of time before Bob and his cohort of insurrectionists are Staked-Out and captured. In closing, this House must pass this measure, for the sake of my country and yours. My name is Daniel Foster, and I support The American President."

Oh, and for those of you interested, the measure failed by a 4 to 1 margin, my speech notwithstanding.

-Daniel "Webster" Foster